Entering the north side of Freddyborough, white lights and orderly arrangements of Organic Tarragon resemble the recent effort by the Isle-Owners Association (I.O.A.) to “clean up the neighborhood.” As co-chairwomen of the I.O.A, it is to my delight that Low-end FMV Colombian bulk has been replaced with a more presentable “Venti Café Colombiano” and that the aisles and alleys have undergone a glossy, high-grade linoleum makeover. It is needless to say that since all legitimate financial transactions are now made on the north side, (the registers have been moved from the suburbs) anyone with an ounce of street smarts and a pinch of style pays in the safe section of Freddyborough.

If your shopping needs require that you travel across town into the suburbs for electronics or apparel, you must travel through the unaesthetic industrial area. Keep your wits about you and please ignore the construction as affordable shopping units are underway for prospective middle income families. Another eyesore in the middleclass area of Freddyborough are the aisle signs that are not necessarily up to I.O.A standards, not to mention the seasonal aisles of tackily designed merchandise. Currently in place is a horribly distasteful display of Valentines Day apparel. Please ignore this.

If you’re looking for a spacious area for the kids to play and you don’t want to jeopardize your safety and stylistic reputation in Freddyborough, head over to the electronic department. You can have your children’s friends whining with envy over a new Ipod or perhaps impress your friends with the full televised collection of Agatha Christie’s Poirot.

Most importantly if you are with children, I urge you to not travel south of apparel as economic disparity ravaged that end of town. The slick linoleum has been uprooted and given way to the cold dusty remains of historic Freddyborough. Yes, this is the original area where the simple virtues of our grandparents, such as home storage and fishing gear, once created the fabric of Freddyborough, but suburban sprawl has left it up to it’s eyelids in tackiness and poverty. If you need bed linens or need to go to the powder room, passing through the south side is necessary. One must keep in mind, the margarita kits and quesadilla makers sold in this side of town aren’t any different from check-cashing agencies or 99 cent stores. These are scams and should be avoided all costs. If you must purchase anything here avoid eye contact, especially so with anyone from the north side.

I am pleased to say as co-chairwomen of the I.O.A that efforts are being made to expel distasteful merchandise from the south side and that by April of 2007, Organic Home & Garden will replace the now embarrassing displays that were once the foundation of our now blooming community.